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Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment