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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
is spending my children´s inheritance.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.