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How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.