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Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
My mind has a mind of its own.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.