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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?