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You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.