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I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.