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The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
It`s my birthday. Iām not just a year older, Iām also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.