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Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?