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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
I wonder if angry people know about naps?
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
heyy lol
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever