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In Store Special - "You`re My One and Only" Valentine`s Day cards... 4 for $5...
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.