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Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.