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Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married