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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.