Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.