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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.