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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.