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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.