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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.