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After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.