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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what