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Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?