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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.