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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.