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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
In space they just call it "Jam"
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
Life is fun! You should get one.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.