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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
My memory foam has amnesia
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal