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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.