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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
The future was so much cooler in the past.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
How`d this get posted?