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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?