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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."