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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.