Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.