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I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.