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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt