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Money can buy imitation happiness. Iām cool with that.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.