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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.