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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
drinking while working out...it`s called Bacardio
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)