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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.