Daily Silly Status

My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.

My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.

I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.

I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.

I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.

I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.

Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.

My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.

You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!

okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out

I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.

If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.

My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed

Black holes must be where God divided by zero.