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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.