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Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?