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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.