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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
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The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.