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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat