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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
Running behind is my cardio.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.