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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.