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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.