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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.