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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
why do i feel like you are reading this
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.