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Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.