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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
Hold boobs not grudges.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.