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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
I bought a box of "SO CALLED" Hot Pockets --- brought them home, and opened one to eat it, and the Damned thing was FROZEN ----- Miis-Advertizing at it`s BEST!!! Now what do I do with the Damned thing???? :-P
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.