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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.