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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
This day needs more yesterday.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out