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The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”