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Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.