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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Age sure does change your perspective. Lots of things I hated when I was a kid I love now... like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings.... stuff like that.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.