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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…