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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.