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Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.