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take me drunk i`m home
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.