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Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.