Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
I drink coffee for your protection.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.