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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
Somedays I could do without the life lesson
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?