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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.