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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.