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Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.