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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
My life is based on a true story
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”